For a long time now I've been dealing with a lot of anger, resentment and grief over the fact that my father left us. I have often talked about this on my blog, but never in great detail and I think it's finally time to open up about it all.
Eight months ago, my father left us for another woman. Another family. One week after my parent's celebrated their wedding anniversary with absolutely no warning whatsoever, our lives were turned upside down. My parents have had a rough time together with my Dad being a workaholic, undiagnosed alcoholic and a narcissist who had a stray eye and didn't treat my Mam too well. They split up a number of times during my teenage years but got back together again a few years ago and everything seemed so perfect. Then all of a sudden he had a new family and we were left without a father, and my mother without a husband.
Since that day I have seen my father a grand total of three times. I know, LUCKY ME. I've probably spent less than 24 hours with him and he has not ONCE mentioned his new girlfriend or his new family, despite my mother asking him to tell us why he left. He has sent me some awful texts, along the lines of him contemplating suicide. HOW can a grown man send texts like this to his 19 year old daughter? He is erratic, impulsive, selfish and detached from all sense of fatherhood.
Tomorrow is his 50th birthday. On Father's Day I text him to wish him a good day and also mentioned that we (meaning me and my sister, Dearbha) would come and visit him on his birthday. His response was that he already had plans but he would hopefully see us 'this weekend'. 'This weekend' is a phrase he has used many, many times over the course of the last eight months and it is the equivalent of being friend-zoned. When he says 'this weekend' it never means this weekend. In reality it means probably two months from now.
My father has made birthday plans with his new family, a family that he probably sees a few times a week. He has time for his fake family but can't even bother to text me or my sister to see how we are getting on.
One of my goals for summer (read my Summer Goals post here) was to forgive my father and I was hopeful that I could rebuild my relationship with him to a level in which I felt comfortable to sit in a room with him. However since he is now more invested in this new family than he ever was with us I have completely given up. I have decided that I will no longer waste my time or energy thinking about a man who is now a stranger to me. I will focus my energy on my mother who has always been there for me, who has helped me through the worst of times and shared with me the best of times. I lost my father almost a year ago. I've had my time to grieve and all I feel now is relief. I have moved on from that man, and I refuse to look back.