Accepting Loss & Moving On | Dealing With Abandonment

For a long time now I've been dealing with a lot of anger, resentment and grief over the fact that my father left us. I have often talked about this on my blog, but never in great detail and I think it's finally time to open up about it all.

Eight months ago, my father left us for another woman. Another family. One week after my parent's celebrated their wedding anniversary with absolutely no warning whatsoever, our lives were turned upside down. My parents have had a rough time together with my Dad being a workaholic, undiagnosed alcoholic and a narcissist who had a stray eye and didn't treat my Mam too well. They split up a number of times during my teenage years but got back together again a few years ago and everything seemed so perfect. Then all of a sudden he had a new family and we were left without a father, and my mother without a husband. 

Since that day I have seen my father a grand total of three times. I know, LUCKY ME. I've probably spent less than 24 hours with him and he has not ONCE mentioned his new girlfriend or his new family, despite my mother asking him to tell us why he left. He has sent me some awful texts, along the lines of him contemplating suicide. HOW can a grown man send texts like this to his 19 year old daughter? He is erratic, impulsive, selfish and detached from all sense of fatherhood. 

Tomorrow is his 50th birthday. On Father's Day I text him to wish him a good day and also mentioned that we (meaning me and my sister, Dearbha) would come and visit him on his birthday. His response was that he already had plans but he would hopefully see us 'this weekend'. 'This weekend' is a phrase he has used many, many times over the course of the last eight months and it is the equivalent of being friend-zoned. When he says 'this weekend' it never means this weekend. In reality it means probably two months from now. 

My father has made birthday plans with his new family, a family that he probably sees a few times a week. He has time for his fake family but can't even bother to text me or my sister to see how we are getting on. 

One of my goals for summer (read my Summer Goals post here) was to forgive my father and I was hopeful that I could rebuild my relationship with him to a level in which I felt comfortable to sit in a room with him. However since he is now more invested in this new family than he ever was with us I have completely given up. I have decided that I will no longer waste my time or energy thinking about a man who is now a stranger to me. I will focus my energy on my mother who has always been there for me, who has helped me through the worst of times and shared with me the best of times. I lost my father almost a year ago. I've had my time to grieve and all I feel now is relief. I have moved on from that man, and I refuse to look back. 

Rossnowlagh Beach & Assisi Cafe | Sundays with Mammy

Hello again! My daily blogging through June was a massive fail but I'm hoping to get back into the swing of things through July. I have a very cute little series coming up on my blog which starts today and will (hopefully) continue every Monday throughout summer. My little sister works during the weekend which means it's just me and my Mam at home. We decided we would dedicate Sundays to spending some quality time together and so, I've decided to blog what we get up to.

So for our first Sunday outing we went to Rossnowlagh, a village close to where I live. There is a friary located near a beach and a cute little cafe across from it which just opened a year ago. 

First we went for a walk on the beach. It was such a lovely day and there were so many people on the beach. We weren't really dressed in beach attire but it was lovely all the same.

We then went into the little friary shop which is basically just a lot of rosary beads and holy candles but I always do enjoy looking around it. We stepped into the chapel for a few minutes to say a few prayers and then went across the road to the Assisi Cafe which is also a small gallery. It is so cute. The staff were so so so friendly and very welcoming. We sat outside and had an absolutely gorgeous view of some lovely flowers and the friary itself.

Mammy bought this cute little coin and I just thought it was so cute. I know a lot of people aren't into holy things but this really is something I believe in.

In the Assisi cafe I had a brownie and a latte and it was delicious. Mammy just had a tea. It was so nice to sit outside in such a peaceful little village. I can't wait to go back to the Assisi cafe because it was such a warm and welcoming place! If you get the chance I really recommend heading to Rossnowlagh for the day as you will feel so calm afterwards.

Check out the Assisi Cafe and Gallery on Facebook

Accepting Your Mental Illness

I've known for a very long time that I have mental health issues. From a young age I struggled with social interaction, I felt depressed and lonely and I struggled to voice my emotions. It wasn't until the last two-three years that my mental health really started to take a toll on my life and I knew then I needed help. For a long time I went to different doctors, therapists, I tried different techniques, both natural and prescribed but finally I have found something that is working for me.

For two years however, I struggled with the fact that this is who I am. I was told by many people that it was just stress. It was just exams. It was just a phase in my life. I believed this and every time I failed I felt worse. 

Why wasn't I getting better? Was I just being dramatic? Should I just be getting on with things like everyone else?

 Because of these feelings I pretended to be doing better than I was. I ignored my mental illness and neglected looking after myself. I cared more about proving to people that I was 'normal' than actually helping myself. In turn, I let my mental illness get worse. I was sick and I didn't even know. I developed OCD (contamination, checking, counting and picking/pulling). I told people about my worries of having OCD but I was ignored. I told every therapist and doctor about pulling out my hair (which was my main worry) and nothing was done about it. They gave me no information on Trichotillomania and again, I was left feeling silly.  

Every doctor, therapist and psychologist I went to refused to diagnose my mental illness and so, I thought I was just being silly. I knew I was sick, but nobody else would acknowledge my illness so I thought I was wrong.

Finally over three years later, I went to my campus counselor who did very thorough tests with me. She finally acknowledged my mental illness for what it was - an illness. She acknowledge my trichotillomania and I was FINALLY diagnosed properly with severe anxiety and moderate OCD. She told me about trichotillomania and gave me leaflets and weblinks to look at and read. I finally felt like I was getting somewhere.

I'm not saying 'oh, you need to be diagnosed in order to get better' but I am saying that you will not get better without the help you need. I always felt like I was being laughed at. I thought everyone thought that I was being dramatic. I thought everyone was getting fed up trying to help me and I thought that they would give up if I didn't act like everything was OK. 

I finally accepted that I had a problem that I needed help with. I no longer felt stupid or irrational. I felt like I was finally taking the steps in the right direction to finally getting better. My anxiety is improving. My OCD is no longer my main priority in my daily life. My medication has been halved which is a step closer to being anti-depressant free. Things are going well. All I needed to accept my illness was for someone to acknowledge it, because you can't get better if you don't think you're sick in the first place. 

60s Inspired OOTD | June Blog 5

Hello everyone! Today I'm here with a fashion post which I haven't done in SUCH a long time and I really miss it. Apart from personal posts, fashion and outfit posts are probably my favourite to write about but it's so hard to do them unless you have someone to take pictures for you (thank you dearbhla!!!) Today I decided to create a 60s inspired look, with this gorgeous dress being the key piece. 

This dress is from Topshop, I got it last summer I believe but I've never got a chance to wear it until now. It is so clearly 60s inspired from the high neck to the A-line shape of the dress. I love the combination of olive green and yellow, it's so summery. I wouldn't usually wear a colour like this so I think it's a nice way to bring it into my wardrobe. 

I paired this dress with a simple pair of slightly platformed trainers with white frilly socks. Women of the 60s were greatly into wearing little to no heels and dresses and young girls often wore perfectly white trainers with stockings. These shoes are from NewLook.

As for hair and make up, I tied my hair in a half up/half down style and made it as high as I possibly could (which gave me a headache) but it was so worth it. The 60s was all about high hair. 

For makeup, I went for a dark crease with messy eyebrows and strong contour. I went for a very pale lip which is what many women wore in the 60s. 

Finally I have these absolutely beautiful sunglasses from Asos, I believe. They literally scream 60s with their bright colour and winged frames. I love the colour and that they are made of plastic. I think they are so unique and different. They really tied the entire outfit together. 

I hope you liked this outfit and if you would like me to do anymore 'inspired' outfits let me know! Have a lovely day! x

Sharing My Blog With The World | June Blog 4

So I've been thinking a lot recently about my blog, the amount of effort I've put into it and how far it has come. This has been my private little space for quite a while now, but as it grows it has become increasingly difficult to keep it a secret. I am so proud of my blog and sometimes I feel like telling the entire world about it. Only a handful of people I know IRL know about this blog, including my Mum, my sister and my best friend but something has been telling me that that just isn't enough. 

What I've always wanted to achieve from this blog is happiness. My happiness and others' happiness. I want to be able to share my thoughts and feelings, my experiences and my struggles with people in order to help and guide them. I think I have succeeded in some aspects and it's so rewarding, but because of this I share a lot of private information about my family, my relationships and my past on this blog. What if, when I share this blog with people things change? I am a very private person. Very few people I know personally know I struggle with mental health issues, the know little about my relationship with David and they absolutely know nothing about my past, so if I was to share this with people would they look at me differently? Would they care? Would they even bother reading this? It's so hard to know. 

Another thing I am terrified of is being judged. When I'm in Galway I don't worry about that because it's a big city. I blend in and nobody notices me. Nobody knows anything about me, even if my entire life is splashed all over this blog and Twitter. However, in Donegal, everyone knows everyone else's business. People talk and bitch and gossip and judge and I feel like if I knew people were reading my blog I'd be constantly worried about what they think of me and wondering if they're laughing at me. 

I have been taking baby steps in the direction of sharing my blog with more people. I have shared it with Laura now and I'm so proud for doing that. I know my Mammy sometimes reads it and Dearbhla, well, she doesn't read full stop. I think my next step is sharing it with more people and hoping they will like it and if they take something from my blog, even better.